Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Jean Braucher and Allan Mallinger explores a psychological pattern many of us experience: perfectionism. While striving to be perfect can drive us to achieve success, it often becomes a trap that leads to stress, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. Perfectionism, at its core, is about control — the need to make everything flawless, to avoid mistakes, and to never let life feel out of hand. But this constant need to perfect and control things creates more problems than it solves.
Let’s explore the key insights from Too Perfect and look at how we can live a life that’s both effective and more balanced, without being controlled by the pressure to be perfect.
The Roots of Perfectionism: Why Control Feels So Necessary
People with perfectionist tendencies often have a deep-rooted fear of failure or judgment. Perfectionism is driven by the belief that if everything isn’t done perfectly, things will spiral out of control. This mindset often develops early in life, when we internalize the idea that success is tied to our worth and that mistakes are dangerous. It creates a sense of pressure to always be on top of things, whether it’s at work, in relationships, or even in personal habits.
This drive to control everything can seem productive at first. After all, perfectionists often achieve a lot. But beneath the surface, there’s a cost. Perfectionists are rarely satisfied with their efforts, and even after meeting their goals, they often feel anxious or disappointed. Why? Because there’s always something else to improve, something that’s not quite right. The bar keeps getting higher.
The Hidden Costs of Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t just mentally exhausting — it can affect every area of life. In work, perfectionists may push themselves to the limit, staying up late to tweak every detail of a project, fearing even small mistakes. In relationships, they may struggle to connect with others because they feel the need to appear perfect, avoiding vulnerability. They might also expect perfection from others, which can create tension and distance.
What’s often overlooked is how perfectionism disconnects people from their own well-being. The focus is so much on achieving and controlling that there’s little room for relaxation, enjoyment, or simply being present in the moment. The constant drive to be perfect turns life into a series of tasks to be checked off, rather than something to be experienced and enjoyed.
Control Versus Flow: A More Balanced Way to Live
At the heart of Too Perfect is the idea that perfectionism is the opposite of living in a state of balance or flow. Life is inherently unpredictable, and no matter how much we try, it can’t be fully controlled. When we’re obsessed with making things perfect, we’re fighting against this natural unpredictability. It’s like trying to hold water in our hands — the tighter we grip, the more it slips away.
On the other hand, when we let go of the need for constant control, life has a way of working itself out. This doesn’t mean we stop caring or trying to do our best, but we recognize that perfection is not always possible — or necessary. Instead of focusing on controlling everything, we shift to a more balanced approach where effort is applied where it’s needed, but we don’t let the fear of imperfection rule us.
Finding Balance: Practical Steps to Let Go of Perfectionism
The authors of Too Perfect offer a path out of perfectionism by encouraging readers to start with self-awareness. The first step is to notice when we’re caught up in perfectionist thinking — when we’re obsessing over details or feeling anxious about something not being “good enough.” Once we see this pattern, we can begin to interrupt it.
Here are some practical ways to break free from the perfectionism trap:
- Let go of small things: Start with something minor — maybe it’s an email or a task at work. Instead of revising it endlessly, send it when it’s “good enough.” Over time, this practice builds your ability to accept imperfection without feeling anxious about it.
- Focus on the experience, not the outcome: Instead of constantly thinking about the result (Is it perfect? Will people like it?), shift your focus to what you’re doing in the moment. Enjoy the process, and let the outcome be what it will be.
- Be kinder to yourself and others: Perfectionists are often their own harshest critics. Practice giving yourself permission to be imperfect. The same goes for others — allow them to make mistakes without judgment.
The Bigger Picture: Acceptance of Imperfection
The deeper message of Too Perfect is that perfectionism is really about resisting life’s imperfections. Perfectionists fear that if things aren’t tightly controlled, they will fall apart. But the reality is that life is full of imperfection — it’s unpredictable, and that’s okay. The more we resist this reality, the more stressed and unhappy we become. On the other hand, when we accept that things don’t have to be perfect to be valuable or meaningful, we open ourselves up to a more relaxed and fulfilling life.
Think of it like this: a conversation doesn’t need to be perfectly scripted to be meaningful. A project doesn’t need to be flawless to be successful. A relationship doesn’t need to be without flaws to be strong. When we accept the natural messiness of life, we create space for more joy, connection, and ease.
Letting Go of Perfection to Find Freedom
Ultimately, Too Perfect is about learning to let go of the need to control everything. This doesn’t mean giving up on doing your best or caring about your work and relationships. Instead, it’s about recognizing when your need for control is causing more harm than good. It’s about finding the balance between striving for excellence and accepting that things will never be perfect — and that’s okay.
Perfectionism traps people in a cycle of anxiety, self-criticism, and dissatisfaction. But when we loosen our grip and allow things to be imperfect, we find more freedom, peace, and connection with ourselves and others. Life, after all, isn’t a problem to be solved — it’s something to be lived.
