There was once a time when I had this mysterious feeling that I didn’t recognize. I didn’t even know what to call it, though I thought it might have been boredom. I can’t be sure, though. The thing is, I can never really be sure whether a feeling is what I think it is because I have no way to show it to someone else and ask.
That’s the problem with feelings. It’s really hard to show them to someone. It’s equally as hard to describe them using words. Words are, in fact, such a horrendously inadequate means to convey emotions to another person that we can never be really sure whether they truly understand how we feel, even after we express our feelings to them.
I don’t know if it is possible for someone to hear or feel another person’s feelings without the other person saying a word. At least, I don’t think I’ve met anyone who could do this.
If I met someone like that, I’d have loved to ask them to explain to me what it was I was feeling because I had no clue. Maybe I wouldn’t even need to ask them because they would already know how I felt and automatically tell me what I wanted to hear.
I never did find out what that feeling was called. I guess I’ll never know. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Maybe it isn’t. When I don’t know whether something is good or bad, I don’t know whether to be happy about it or not. This uncertainty leaves me unsure of what to feel, which brings me back to the feeling I started with. I think it’s boredom, but I could be wrong. Now, I’m not sure where that leaves me—either bored or confused, but I can’t be certain.
Feelings can be quite confusing sometimes.
So, I had this feeling that I thought was called boredom, which I also believed needed to be fought, and the reason I believed this is because that’s apparently what you do with boredom, fight it until you no longer have it.
Now fighting boredom involves doing things that don’t bore you, so you no longer feel the boredom. So maybe in a way fighting boredom is just distracting yourself so you don’t notice the feeling.
The dilemma I faced though was that no matter how many times I valiantly fought it, it eventually came back. Or maybe it never left, and I was just too distracted to notice. I can never be really sure.
I sometimes wondered whether someone had ever taken the time to find a more effective solution. Maybe, instead of fighting it, we could just be friends with it. I liked this idea.
But if you are friends with it, does boredom suddenly change and become something else? A different feeling?
Then again, why would boredom change because of friendship? Isn’t real friendship about accepting friends as they are instead of expecting them to change?
I don’t really want this feeling that I call boredom to change, because I am now friends with it and have decided to accept it as it is.
But now that we are friends, I also wonder whether I should still fight with it because honestly, I don’t remember why we were fighting in the first place.
So now I’m left sitting with a feeling that never leaves me and is always by my side. I still don’t know its name though sometimes I suspect it might not really be boredom.
I guess I’ll never really know, so nothing much has really changed, except that there is no more fighting going on, which I suppose is a good thing, or maybe it isn’t. I don’t know.
I can never really be sure about things like this, so I never know whether to be happy about it or not. It gets very confusing sometimes.
Maybe this is why people prefer fighting and distracting themselves to making new friends.
